An Embarrassment

I was maybe 13. There was a girl in our class named Sue T. She was a good looking girl, long dark hair, flashing eyes and all those things that go along with youth. It was easy to like her, she was easy on the eye and popular. However she was quiet and reserved, at least she seemed so. The way that boys and girls advertised they liked someone and were in a relationship was they put their initials on the paper notebooks we carried our homework in.

One day my initials showed up on her notebook. TF Wow, I could not believe my good fortune. One of the best looking girls in the class likes me. Whoa Nellie!!! I waited, I watched, more initials appeared. There was a Sue + Tom. I mean how much more evidence did I need. I did not know what to do. Should I talk with her, I was too shy. Should I ask one of her friends, I was too shy. Maybe the way to communicate was to respond in kind. So I wrote TF + ST on my notebook. Soon I had covered my notebook and fantasized about the blossoming love. Imagine kissing her, imagine holding hands with her, imagine walking together. That is about all we imagine at 13. I waited to see what would happen not knowing if I should approach her or what.

This lasted a few days, eventually a friend of hers who happened to be a friend of mine, Judy R. came to me and said, Tom, Sue doesn't like you, those initials are Ted. F. In embarrassment I blurted out those aren't her initials anyway, but there was no one in our class with those same initials. I could have crawled in a hole and stayed there. I have never felt so embarrassed in my life not even since.

I went back to school the next day with new notebooks. I tried not to look at her, and tried to make myself as small as possible, unfortunately I was already over six feet tall and stuck out like a sore thumb. One thing to my classmate's credit is I do not recall anyone making fun of me. You know at that age kids can be cruel. I don't recall any catcalls or teasing. My embarrassment was absolute though, I was crushed that I could assume such a thing and had nothing to fall back on.

That event still evokes a wry smile from me. Sue T. now F., did not come to our 40th reunion. I have not seen her since high school. I have no idea what she looks like, I believe she and Ted F got married but divorced.

I have never had an easy time around women. My lady experience is very small. I have a hard time talking to a women unless we talk about weather, some work aspect if we are familiar with it. It is easier for me to talk to a woman than a man but I have had very few female confidants. In fact, one. It seems like I am meant to muddle through our lives seeking my own answers and trying not to to embarrass myself or make a fool of myself. That is why I maintain a level of suspicion of others and distance from them..

That event so many years ago had an effect on me. Was it a game changer? No, I don't think so. I have had a few very good relationships with a few women, my first wife, my second wife, and a lady I worked with. I find comfort in sharing with a person, but you cannot share all things with just one person, you need a number of friends and while I talk very well with my two daughters, that is not the same. I'm there Dad after all.

So that's my ultimate embarrassing moment. I am 67, I hope I never have another.